Why I Ran For An Hour?

Some months ago a friend confided in me that she was battling a condition that would eventually make her life a physical challenge. I assumed that she discovered the problem early on so that it would be years before she would have to "go public". The other day she was forced to share what is going on because her body betrayed her, so she said out loud to the group what her issue is. She is a very supportive mom to her busy kids and a few years ago she started exercising and looks great. I loved hearing about how many laps she could do during a workout, I can't get my face wet.

I went to the gym and decided that I needed to run for 60 minutes straight. It had been months since I pushed myself that hard. How can I run for two and a half in less than 3 months if I can't last 60 minutes? I thought of my friend who has added to her workout routine in an attempt to delay the effects of her condition. I realized there was nothing physically preventing me from running more than my normal 30 minutes. I joke that I am not athletic and how I never worked up a sweat until I decided to start running last summer, my friend actually looks for workouts that make her sweat. It is not fair that I sit and make excuses while others in the world have the drive but not the ability. Four days ago I ran for an hour, I felt a little achy the next day but today I walked 15 minutes and ran 30 minutes, no problem.

Locker Room Etiquette

On Friday I met my goal of working out three times last week. I have decided that I am too unorganized to be athletic. Every other time I get inside the gym all ready to workout I find myself going back out to the car because I forgot something. Normally it is my iPod but Friday I left my running shoes so instead of heading back out in the cold I decided just walk on the treadmill.

Once in the locker room I tried very hard to stick to my "look only at the floor" rule. It has been about a year since I graduated from the family locker room. It gives me the willies if I happen to be going potty and I hear a dad blow drying his daughter's hair, that's weird. In the women's locker room you have to deal with women that are very comfortable with their bodies. It is just rude, plain and simple. I saw a woman wearing a cable-knit turtle neck sweater and no bottoms at all. She walked bare bottomed into the sauna. I don't know what the dress code is for the sauna and now I don't want to know.

Today, President's Day my husband and the three boys all went to the gym. It was so nice to have all of us in one place. Reagan, 5, went to childcare and Bill and the teen boys played basketball. I enjoyed over 30 minutes of treadmill time. I had just moved to the stair-master when the boys and Bill announced that the field house was closed due fumes from a busted light. It was too good to be true that I could workout an hour or more knowing that my family was under one roof burning calories.

It Is A Cold World & Eat Before Running

Monday was my third day of working out. I was shocked to learn that my 16 year old son Enden took the iPod I use, he misplaced his so took mine. Well, it is not mine, I am using it because I lost mine, but that's another story, my 5 year old is upset that his shows are erased. Left without an iPod I decided to head to the gym and workout on the treadmill, I can plug my headset in and be distracted by daytime TV. I set it to 10 incline and 3.6 speed. After awhile I bumped it up to 15 incline. My total workout was 27 minutes, I walked for 1.68 miles and climbed 124 feet. I prefer running on the track, who steals an iPod? Enden found his but mine is still M.I.A.

Today I was all set for a 30 minute run around the track. I was on fire keeping up with the athletic runners for about 20 minutes then I started to see floating squiggly things and decided to stop. I did not eat, I always think I can work out and earn a high calorie treat after, wrong. I will eat a meal to give me the proper fuel to sustain my run, live and learn.

I'm BAAAACK!

Monday was my first run in about 2 months. I lost my iPod in November and I cannot run without it, I am never alone with my own thoughts. Gratefully I am using my son Reagan's that was loaded with one full season of A Pup Named Scooby Doo. I miss running with my Nike+ that records my runs and tells me that I am doing a good job, I need the electronic pat on the back. If I don't find mine I will have to buy another one soon.

After Monday's run I felt like I was starting from scratch, but it felt so right to be back on the track lapping all the seniors at my YMCA. Last April I signed up for an exercise class taught by a man that looks like a Drill Sargent from central casting. There were about 12 women on the class, 8 I will assume were training for the Olympics, 1 was an older woman who was recovering from cancer, 1 skinny non-athletic woman and another pudgy (fat) woman like me. Unfortunately those 2 women lasted about 2 weeks so I felt pressure not to dropout, I was determined not to quit. There were sessions that I felt like Richard Gere in An Officer And A Gentleman, he would stand over me and say , "Come on Newbie!" and I would look up and ask if I were in the right class, he said I was, I didn't believe it. I was driven not to be the last one to complete the drills, so what if the only person I could beat the the 60 year old cancer survivor.

Halfway through the 8 weeks I felt like, "I can do this without dying". I would try to be friendly to the Olympians but they were cold, with the exception of the one woman I met through my friend Tara. I listened to them begging for tips to lose the "last 5 pounds", the trainer told 1 woman that there was nothing else to lose, she was not happy. Some were so giddy trying to impress the trainer with stories like junior high girls. Most of them wore wedding rings so I didn't get why they were all in his face giggling. My favorite woman told the trainer that she mentioned the him during her sermon, that shocked me because she was so not friendly. Don't get me wrong I was not looking for life long double-good-girlfriends but if I see you in the gym smile and say hello or if we are all clearing away equipment don't snatched a yoga mat out of my hand, "I got it" as if I was doing to much.

As luck would have it today I arrived at the YMCA at the same time as the Olympians, they were using one court and the track circles around. There they were all in the matching name-brand outfits, I spotted my replacement, they must have an affirmative action quota for fat people. I warmed up by walking around for about 5 minutes, the track was filled with mall walkers, special ed students and the normal crew of workout junkies. I was going to chicken out and run on the treadmill because after 2 months off I was not sure if I could run longer than 20 minutes. That group of robots were my inspiration, I set Rey's iPod to go off after 30 minutes and I ran.

I made sure to speed up as I passed their section of the gym, even if I crawled the other 45 seconds I was a star for 15 seconds. I enjoy the freedom of running around and around opposed to being confined to following that routine. I credit them for making me do bear-crawls, run laps and squats, I would have never known what I was capable of achieving without him yelling, "Come on Newbie!" and them looking at me in my Target workout gear.

I ran 30 minutes today and I feel good. May is just around the corner but it is not too late to start running and training, Come on Newbie, you can do it.

January 2, 2000

All everyone was thinking about was Y2K in the weeks prior to the end of the 1999. I was worried about delivering my 5th child. This was the third gestational diabetic pregnancy. On Friday, February 19, 1993 I went in for a routine exam two weeks prior to my due date. Whatever the ultrasound technician saw led to a call to my O.B. and the next thing I knew I was headed to Evanston Hospital. Enden did not arrive until Sunday morning weighing in at 9'11", it was a long weekend. My dad and William put on quite a comedy act in the delivery room but I didn't care I was happy that no c-section was needed after over 36 hours of Pitocin to induce labor, I thought he was never coming out.

In 1995 the doctors had me select a date to be induced. I picked Friday, October 27th. I checked in at 8am, started the medication at 9am and by 3:10pm Zachary (10'6") arrived after about three pushes. He was the biggest of my four but I experienced one of the smoothest deliveries ever. Later that evening the Chaplin peaked in my room and asked for the patient, I was wearing a night shirt sitting in a chair, she said I didn't look like a lady that had just delivered a ten pound baby, I went home 24 hours later. I thought having babies was so easy and uneventful.

In May of 1999 I remember the intake specialist saying that she would assign me to Dr. X because she had not had an OB patient in awhile. I thought nothing of it, I am a dream patient, I always keep my appointments, take my vitamins, never yell during delivery and always listen to the instructions no matter how uncomfortable I might be.

When I look back now I realize that Dr. X was in over her head. When she went on vacation the Three Stooges (that's how I labeled the interns that filled in) and the nurse seemed alarmed by the size of my baby, Dr. X never said a word. Also, Dr. X always had problems taking the fundal height but no one else did. My due date was January 8, 2000 but I knew that I would not be allowed to carry full term because gestational diabetic babies are big. I asked more than once about scheduling a date to induce, I honestly believed at the time she thought I wanted a New Years Day baby which is why she never took me seriously. Once I told her that I needed to schedule a sitter to watch my kids but nothing moved her to set a date.

On Wednesday, December 29, 1999 I had a routine check-up. I told William there was no way I was going to be allowed to come home, "Pack my bags I am going in". Everywhere I went people made comments about the size of my stomach, I kept assuring them there was only one baby. After my exam Dr. X sent us to the hospital for an ultrasound, just like with Enden this was going to get me an express ticket to Labor and Delivery. Dr. X gave me the choice to see a tech immediately or wait for the specialist to scan me later that afternoon. I was so ready that I opted for the tech. The ultrasound technician's name tag read Andrew, at the time we were torn between the names Thaddeus and Andrew, I thought it was a good sign.

Unlike the every other ultrasound a doctor never came in to followed up with a scan and an explanation. Andrew went behind a curtain, called Dr. X, he told her that the estimated weight was 8.5lbs, she instructed me to go home and she would see me next Wednesday for my regular appointment. From that point on I felt uneasy. New Years Eve came and went but I could not celebrate.

Sunday, January 2, 2000 I went to church with my family. After searching for years had I finally found a church I liked and I was baptized November 1, 1999. That afternoon I was tired so I went in my room to rest. I remember sitting at the foot of my bed feeling a great deal of kicking but after my nap I had trouble noticing any movement. I ate a sugary snack trying to get him to kick, I felt something but not the normal response. I called the hospital and was told to come in.

William took a different route to the hospital and still today I cannot drive that way when I go there. I can still see the pictures on the wall in the hall as they wheeled me into a room and hooked me up to a monitor. The nurse tried to find a heartbeat, nothing, but I wasn't worried because that happened at my last visit, she must be doing it wrong. They gave me an oxygen and called a doctor, I don't remember how much time passed before they told us there was no heartbeat. I recall feeling like everything was in slow motion and I was floating above the room.They sent me downstairs to confirm by ultra sound, I kept wanting them to hurry so that they could realize the error once we all heard a strong heartbeat.

The rest is fuzzy, I was put on Pitocin, they sent for Nurse Rosie with the folder filled with pamphlets but Bill didn't think I was ready. I did not meet Rosie that night but she and her support group would prove to be my rock in the coming months. I have not idea how I made it through that night waiting for the labor to start. William went home to tell the kids. My mom and dad must have been there but my next memory is the delivery.

William and my sister held me up for 45 minutes as I pushed. Dr. X was the only OB on call so she kept getting and taking phone calls. She took off her mask to talk and when she returned she motioned to put it back on but didn't, I thought she felt what was the point, my baby was not in any danger of catching anything. She had no idea how to deliver my baby. A doctor was sent in to oversee the procedure, Dr. X told him the baby's arm was lodged, when he asked which one she said she didn't know. My sister spoke up. He weighed 15 pounds and 2 ounces, a big guy needed a big name, Thaddeus Ace after both our grandfathers. I always regretted that I didn't deliver the night we arrived, the next day was Sierra's 13th birthday. All the paper work had January 3rd but he died in under my heart on the 2nd.

After her was delivered I was couldn't hold him, I kissed his forehead, Mommy and Bill got to hold him. I left the hospital in 24 hours, being on the maternity floor I was forced to explain to each staff member that congratulations were not in order because I was not taking my baby home. I wrote a letter to the hospital administrator suggesting that they place a sticker on the doors of mothers of angels.

The next day William and the kids were at work and school. I was trying to get back to normal so I was bathing Zach, he was 4 and had just learned how to say "I'm the youngest", the y was silent. Suddenly I knew I had to go back to the hospital to hold my baby. Later I would read that mothers have phantom pains in their arms because of the absence of a baby, my arms were aching. I called Bill to come home and asked Grace Walquist to watch Zachary, if you don't know Chris and Grace Walquist that's to bad because they are heaven sent.

Bill called my dad who also never held Thaddeus. Rosie set us up in the room I had just vacated. When she placed him in my arms and I pulled him next to my heart, I felt at peace. How could I have not held him that night? My dad held him, we took pictures and Bill cut a lock of his hair "I cut all my boys' hair".

I was so mad at God, I had just joined a church I was trying to the right thing and we were hit by a train. My small group at church was filled with wonderful caring women that let me cry, they held me, rocked me but eventually I walked away because within a year they all brought home babies. I was at the post office mailing x-rays of Thaddeus to my lawyer when I ran into the husband of my of of the women, he was bursting with joy because his daughter had just been born. I yelled UNCLE to God, how could I be happy for those women when I was in so much pain?

My first support group meting fell on Valentine's Day. I felt like I only had a day and a half of happiness in 2000 and now another a holiday was marred. We met some wonderful parents of angels and heard some happy stories of new babies and adoptions over the next few years.

I started running this past August and in October I had the pleasure of supporting my friends who ran the Chicago Marathon. I saw the energy and emotions of those runners at the 22 mile marker, I decided I had to run for Thaddeus. My blood sugars and cholesterol have improved in four short months, my goal is to eliminate all my medication. I had never worked up a sweat doing anything but I know God and my desire to honor Thaddeus has given me the strength. I love running.

Thaddeus Ace would be 10 years old today. I imagine what kind of kid he would be. He would have been big and strong. I am so different because God chose me to be his mother. My email is thaddeusmom because I could not sleep that first year so I searched the internet looking for answers. When I had to pick an email address I wanted people to always know, I am Thaddeus' mom. Ten years ago I thought I would never laugh or feel joy, I was wrong. I got over that whole being angry at God thing. I found a new church and through bible study I learned that you need to rejoice in good times and in bad.