In 1995 the doctors had me select a date to be induced. I picked Friday, October 27th. I checked in at 8am, started the medication at 9am and by 3:10pm Zachary (10'6") arrived after about three pushes. He was the biggest of my four but I experienced one of the smoothest deliveries ever. Later that evening the Chaplin peaked in my room and asked for the patient, I was wearing a night shirt sitting in a chair, she said I didn't look like a lady that had just delivered a ten pound baby, I went home 24 hours later. I thought having babies was so easy and uneventful.
In May of 1999 I remember the intake specialist saying that she would assign me to Dr. X because she had not had an OB patient in awhile. I thought nothing of it, I am a dream patient, I always keep my appointments, take my vitamins, never yell during delivery and always listen to the instructions no matter how uncomfortable I might be.
When I look back now I realize that Dr. X was in over her head. When she went on vacation the Three Stooges (that's how I labeled the interns that filled in) and the nurse seemed alarmed by the size of my baby, Dr. X never said a word. Also, Dr. X always had problems taking the fundal height but no one else did. My due date was January 8, 2000 but I knew that I would not be allowed to carry full term because gestational diabetic babies are big. I asked more than once about scheduling a date to induce, I honestly believed at the time she thought I wanted a New Years Day baby which is why she never took me seriously. Once I told her that I needed to schedule a sitter to watch my kids but nothing moved her to set a date.
On Wednesday, December 29, 1999 I had a routine check-up. I told William there was no way I was going to be allowed to come home, "Pack my bags I am going in". Everywhere I went people made comments about the size of my stomach, I kept assuring them there was only one baby. After my exam Dr. X sent us to the hospital for an ultrasound, just like with Enden this was going to get me an express ticket to Labor and Delivery. Dr. X gave me the choice to see a tech immediately or wait for the specialist to scan me later that afternoon. I was so ready that I opted for the tech. The ultrasound technician's name tag read Andrew, at the time we were torn between the names Thaddeus and Andrew, I thought it was a good sign.
Unlike the every other ultrasound a doctor never came in to followed up with a scan and an explanation. Andrew went behind a curtain, called Dr. X, he told her that the estimated weight was 8.5lbs, she instructed me to go home and she would see me next Wednesday for my regular appointment. From that point on I felt uneasy. New Years Eve came and went but I could not celebrate.
Sunday, January 2, 2000 I went to church with my family. After searching for years had I finally found a church I liked and I was baptized November 1, 1999. That afternoon I was tired so I went in my room to rest. I remember sitting at the foot of my bed feeling a great deal of kicking but after my nap I had trouble noticing any movement. I ate a sugary snack trying to get him to kick, I felt something but not the normal response. I called the hospital and was told to come in.
William took a different route to the hospital and still today I cannot drive that way when I go there. I can still see the pictures on the wall in the hall as they wheeled me into a room and hooked me up to a monitor. The nurse tried to find a heartbeat, nothing, but I wasn't worried because that happened at my last visit, she must be doing it wrong. They gave me an oxygen and called a doctor, I don't remember how much time passed before they told us there was no heartbeat. I recall feeling like everything was in slow motion and I was floating above the room.They sent me downstairs to confirm by ultra sound, I kept wanting them to hurry so that they could realize the error once we all heard a strong heartbeat.
The rest is fuzzy, I was put on Pitocin, they sent for Nurse Rosie with the folder filled with pamphlets but Bill didn't think I was ready. I did not meet Rosie that night but she and her support group would prove to be my rock in the coming months. I have not idea how I made it through that night waiting for the labor to start. William went home to tell the kids. My mom and dad must have been there but my next memory is the delivery.
William and my sister held me up for 45 minutes as I pushed. Dr. X was the only OB on call so she kept getting and taking phone calls. She took off her mask to talk and when she returned she motioned to put it back on but didn't, I thought she felt what was the point, my baby was not in any danger of catching anything. She had no idea how to deliver my baby. A doctor was sent in to oversee the procedure, Dr. X told him the baby's arm was lodged, when he asked which one she said she didn't know. My sister spoke up. He weighed 15 pounds and 2 ounces, a big guy needed a big name, Thaddeus Ace after both our grandfathers. I always regretted that I didn't deliver the night we arrived, the next day was Sierra's 13th birthday. All the paper work had January 3rd but he died in under my heart on the 2nd.
After her was delivered I was couldn't hold him, I kissed his forehead, Mommy and Bill got to hold him. I left the hospital in 24 hours, being on the maternity floor I was forced to explain to each staff member that congratulations were not in order because I was not taking my baby home. I wrote a letter to the hospital administrator suggesting that they place a sticker on the doors of mothers of angels.
The next day William and the kids were at work and school. I was trying to get back to normal so I was bathing Zach, he was 4 and had just learned how to say "I'm the youngest", the y was silent. Suddenly I knew I had to go back to the hospital to hold my baby. Later I would read that mothers have phantom pains in their arms because of the absence of a baby, my arms were aching. I called Bill to come home and asked Grace Walquist to watch Zachary, if you don't know Chris and Grace Walquist that's to bad because they are heaven sent.
Bill called my dad who also never held Thaddeus. Rosie set us up in the room I had just vacated. When she placed him in my arms and I pulled him next to my heart, I felt at peace. How could I have not held him that night? My dad held him, we took pictures and Bill cut a lock of his hair "I cut all my boys' hair".
I was so mad at God, I had just joined a church I was trying to the right thing and we were hit by a train. My small group at church was filled with wonderful caring women that let me cry, they held me, rocked me but eventually I walked away because within a year they all brought home babies. I was at the post office mailing x-rays of Thaddeus to my lawyer when I ran into the husband of my of of the women, he was bursting with joy because his daughter had just been born. I yelled UNCLE to God, how could I be happy for those women when I was in so much pain?
My first support group meting fell on Valentine's Day. I felt like I only had a day and a half of happiness in 2000 and now another a holiday was marred. We met some wonderful parents of angels and heard some happy stories of new babies and adoptions over the next few years.
I started running this past August and in October I had the pleasure of supporting my friends who ran the Chicago Marathon. I saw the energy and emotions of those runners at the 22 mile marker, I decided I had to run for Thaddeus. My blood sugars and cholesterol have improved in four short months, my goal is to eliminate all my medication. I had never worked up a sweat doing anything but I know God and my desire to honor Thaddeus has given me the strength. I love running.
Thaddeus Ace would be 10 years old today. I imagine what kind of kid he would be. He would have been big and strong. I am so different because God chose me to be his mother. My email is thaddeusmom because I could not sleep that first year so I searched the internet looking for answers. When I had to pick an email address I wanted people to always know, I am Thaddeus' mom. Ten years ago I thought I would never laugh or feel joy, I was wrong. I got over that whole being angry at God thing. I found a new church and through bible study I learned that you need to rejoice in good times and in bad.
