Chicago Marathon 2010

It was 4:30am when my alarm went off. The train was departing at 5:13am, we could not miss it. Last year the traffic was unbelievable. My adult son and his fiancé were my companions. The platform crowd numbered like weekday rush hour. Runners and their support teams looked like they were headed to Oz. When I saw someone wearing my running shoes it made me a little sad. I have not followed astrology since I was a teen rushing to read Omar in the paper but since I was told running the marathon was not possible this year I feel like dueling Gemini twins. At times I accept it as a positive factor which will make me a stronger contender in 2011 and in the next moment I’m playing the why-me tape in my head. Runners are happy upbeat people therefore I quickly turn it around.

I truly enjoy the train into the city. I always take my square Jansport canvas backpack that I bought for my daughter 10 years ago. The label said that textbooks would fit better, my daughter never bought that tag line nor did any of my kids after her. I love it and carry it on all train rides and school buses when I chaperone field trips. Inside I had bottle of water, bananas, apples, Kindle, DVD camera, 2 iPods (long story), book club selection and writing material, with the exception of my loved ones everything I cherish is in that bag. It even doubles as a pillow if I were able to sleep on a packed train oozing with excitement.

My son sat two rows ahead of us next to a woman who was running. We were barely out of our zip code before I noticed his face book status, “on the train for the Chicago Marathon but not running, maybe next year”. I knew it, I have been telling him since his first 5k race 7 months ago that he is destined to run a marathon.

We found a great spot at the start line. When the sun rose over Lake Michigan lighting the streets for 45,000 athletes, this was the equivalent of front row seats at the World Series, Super Bowl and NBA Finals all rolled up into one event. How could this be free of charge?

Just when I was questioning my arrogance for thinking I am worthy to be among these dedicated individuals the disabled participants were wheeling pass doing warm-up laps. By the end of our adventure we would see a blind runner, others with one or two artificial legs or obese people content with walking, I will shut up and run.

Thirty-five minutes after the start gun the sea of participants thinned to zero. We made it to the 13.1 mile marker ninety minutes later. There we saw the elite runners set to finish under three hours. Everyone at this level is not just trying to finish, they are racing. No beer bellies, no silly costumes just serious competitors, some had not broken a sweat, were they robots? We even saw a pregnant runner set to finish at 3.5 hours.

I did have one goal before heading home, I had earned a bag of Chicago Mix popcorn from the one and only genuine downtown popcorn place. The 10:40am would arrive in Lisle by 11:30am giving us more than enough time to see the Bears kick-off. We passed one location on our way to the start line and spotted a worker preparing for a busy day. It was over 2 hours later, I was confident that the line of popcorn freaks would be at least be pouring out the tiny store front. We rounded the corner and there was not one person standing outside. The door was locked. I cuffed my hands over my eyes to peer inside, I spotted an employee stirring the caramel corn, I tapped on the glass and mouthed the question, “What time do you open?”. Her response shook me to the core, she held up 2 fingers, 11am. I was like Dorothy who realized that all that work was for nothing, there was no wizard. Sure, I had just witnessed the perfect day at the perfect event but I needed cheese and caramel popcorn to make it complete. What owner operator would not understand that on the 33rd annual Chicago Marathon thousands of spectators will want some of that famous delightful sweetness. Let’s pretend that they forgot, wouldn’t the staff call and tell the manager that 10,000 potential customers walked by on a Sunday? I thought this was the city that works, well not if want yellow finger tips from reaching in that wax bag of freshness. As we walked to the train I honestly saw mirages that appeared to be an open popcorn location, it was very possible they are peppered throughout the downtown area but it always turned out to be a bagel or pastries shop that only looked my favorite popcorn haven. My last result was the sad substitute spot in the train station. It is fresh, they sell the mix but it is not the same so I got just a small bag. Next year after I crawl over the finish line, well after 11am, I want my four sons to carry me to my lake view celebration suite filled with all the things I will have to limit during training: 1. Harold’s Chicken wings with fries soaked in mild sauce 2. Portillo’s chocolate cake alamode with Hagen Daz Vanilla 3. Ice cold Diet Pepsi (I can cut calories) 4. Party sized bowl of my favorite popcorn. Is that to much to ask?

A Dream Deferred

In August I was kicked in the gut when my ortho doc told me I could not run the Chicago Marathon 10-10-10. I almost started crying but the bone scan showed two "substantial" stress fractures, one in each leg, funny I only felt the one on the right. I had been preparing for bad news but it felt like a bullet. I was terrified of running 26.2 miles but I was more afraid not to run it. I said prior to my appointment that if I got bad new that meant God had a different plan for me.

I got in my car, dialed my husband and as I backed out of my space I spotted a bumper stick, it was a from Obama's campaign, written in a foreign language no less. Was that my calling? Am I to take on the lies of the Obama-Destroy-America-Train? I can do both. I am totally only half serious.

I decided to focus on cross training in hopes that my follow up appointment would bring great news, I would resume my training four weeks out and finish in 6 hours instead of my original goal of 4.5o ( I can dream). I took some free classes at the YMCA and did things I would have never tried. I learned how to stand up on the stationary spinning bike. One week I kept running into a a woman who was a mushy mom like me. She struck up a conversation with me and shared that she started moving in January and had lost 50 pounds, she was not like me, she strong.

Zachary my 14 year old broke his collar bone on the day of my first ortho appointment, it was my moment but leave it to one of my offspring to steal my thunder. We started going to the gym together to ride bikes since he could not run or exercise. The next thing I knew we were going to the gym at 5am so he could play basketball with a group of men who have a early bird game twice a week. I am not an early riser, my original blog is Madness Of The Midnight Mom. Zach got better but I still get up and workout 60 minutes 5 times a week at 5:30am. I will share more about that later.

Last Friday was my followup appointment. The x-ray showed nothing but so did the original, it was a bone scan that revealed my problems. During the my exam I had to be honest, my right leg was far from 100%. Then came the second shot to the gut, 4 more weeks before I can run again. The 10-10-10 race was not to be. My doctor is very optimistic about a routine that will slowly get me on the road again.

I have received the warmest wishes from everyone in my life. Thank you if you donated to my charity for the race. There is always next year and I have a plan, 10-9-11 is my destiny.

Phillipians 4:13 + Faith = 13.1

On May 22, 2010 I ran my first half marathon. In January I went public with my quest to run The Chicago Marathon October 10, 2010. The last few weeks leading up that date almost drove me crazy. I was questioning if I had trained hard enough to run and if not how could I fake an injury to get out of the commitment.

Two weeks before the half I checked out some running guides from the library, that didn't help. Everything I read either scared me or confirmed that I was not ready to run for 2.5 hours or more. I spent the next few days talking to every runner I knew hoping for pearls of wisdom and secrets of how to finish.

My Wednesday morning women's bible study concluded the week of the run. I felt compelled to give my testimony, share what the studies have done for my relationship with God and admit that I had never heard the Holy Spirit speak to me until I started running, more importantly I was going to ask all the women to pray for my race. I was not sure I alone could pray hard enough but I knew God would not ignore that group. Unfortunately I could not attend the last session due to a family funeral. I got really worried because I was convinced I needed those prayers.

That week of the half I was looking for the perfect bible verse to carry me to victory. Last fall I studied the book of Esther which is filled with great stuff about strength and courage but I needed something new. In October of 2009 three of my friends, Holly, Kerry and Nicole ran the Chicago Marathon. My friend Autumn and I were so happy to express our support by making yard signs for the these brave women. I bought each of them a small token for extra encouragement. Kerry and Holly got a charm for their shoe but when I got to the third house I forgot to give Nicole the pebble with a bible verse. I felt very bad since Nicole was battling the flu and truly needed a prayer but by the time I found it I knew she was asleep.

A large group of us went to support them the next day. The energy level at the 22 mile mark was amazing. We saw people of all ages, shapes and sizes smiling as they tackled the last 4 miles. I started thinking that maybe I could run in 2010. I had only been running for about 2 months at that point, was I crazy? All three of my friends were awesome and completed the task with great times.

After the race I attended my Aunt Doris' 70th birthday celebration. When I saw her son-in-law Mark he looked like a different person. I was not shy about asking him what he had done to achieve such visible results. He too had run the marathon that morning in memory of his mom who he lost to cancer, I was truly inspired. I had no choice, I needed to run the marathon. I went home, taped a copy of the marathon route map inside my vanity and put Nicole's pebble in my top drawer, I would use it to inspire me but I forgot about it.

Fast forward to the week before my half, I kept telling myself that running a marathon was either the best idea I ever had or the dumbest but there was no turning back. I went in my top drawer looking for something, like I had done many times since last October but that day I found Nicole's pebble still in the package, I had no idea what was written on it, I had completely forgotten it was there. One side had the word STRENGTH and on the other, Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Bingo! I memorized my first verse and packed it in my bag.

Holly and Kerry decided to support a some newbies by running The Geist Half Marathon in Indianapolis, Indiana. Angela my sister's dear friend from grade school was our fourth. She had never run a half but she retired from the military and she is currently very active, I was the lone mushy-mom. When we picked up our race packets Friday night I felt like people were giving me "the surely-you-must-be-walking-the-5k look." On our way out I saw the medal and got excited, I thought we were just getting shirts, a medal was new reason to complete the race.

We ate a pasta dinner and headed for our hotel. At 1am my mind was still racing, all I could think was, if I don't get some sleep I am going to fail and what makes me think I can run 13.1 miles. My roomies were snoozing and I was wide awake, DOOMED!

The race started at 7:30am so we were up at 5:30am (4:30am home time). I dressed in my specially selected outfit for the race. Kendis Chenoweth taught my most recent bible study where she reminded us that we children of the king making us royalty. Purple has always been my favorite color so I wore a purple top, bandanna and nail polish, I needed to feel anointed.

The hotel offered a brown bag breakfast for runners, I ate everything. We drove to the shuttle as Kerry played the music that motivates her but I had to start my run like I always do, gospel on my Nano. For months I started my runs with "Count It All Joy" but I had recently purchased "The Battle Is The Lord's" so that was blaring in my ears, over and over.

As we lined up to start Kerry turned around for one last bit of inspiration, "Can you you believe we are about to run for over 2 hours?", I was looking for the exit. I heard an annoucement that one of the sponsors for the half was Comcast and Sponge Bob, I had a mini-beanie Sponge Bob in my fanny-pack for Reagan. My 5 year old is one of the reasons I run, I want to stay healthy enough to keep up with him in his teen years. My longest run during training was ten miles so I declared the first three miles God's miles and I would run the last ten. About a quarter of a mile into the race I saw a yard sign, "Harvest Bible Church", we were 3.5 hours from my Harvest home, another message. Less then 10 minutes later I spotted a woman ahead of me with the entire Philippians 4:13 verse clearly displayed on the back of her t-shirt. I knew then this race was all ready run for me, it was on the books, no drop-out bus needed. The Holy Spirit claimed it, I just needed to ride the wave.

Kerry and Holly took off, Angela and I were running about the same pace for the first few miles then she passed me. I learned months ago that I must do me and run at my pace. If I get a boost and past someone great but I want to finish uninjured.

The course was all hills around this small town of beautiful harbors. At one point I was running steady with a woman older than my mom who told me that after mile 8 it would be flat , I believed her. When I hit a mountain at mile 9 I was looking for her. It was about that time when I felt a funny twinge in the back of my thigh. I rubbed it and called out to God, "I have never felt this so please remove this pain", he did.

I turned a corner after mile 9 and to my disbelief Holly was right in front of me. I had convinced myself that she and Kerry were getting massaged by volunteer chiropractors by then but it was definitely her. I ran up to position myself directly behind Holly so that she would not see me, I figured real runners rarely look back. I decided to mimic whatever she did, she slowed down from a run to a fast walk I did too. She grabbed a drink, I did too. She stretched her arms, I did too, to an unknowing observer I looked like I was doing a Harpo Marx impression. Wow, I was running with the big dogs. I ran over the 10 mile sensor 1 second after Holly. I was feeling pretty good and I was now confident that I was going to finish, in fact I was so relaxed I took out my camera and took a few pictures. We had a little over a mile remaining and then I panicked, I knew Holly was about to make a fast break leaving me in the dust so I took to detour to a medical tent.

I stopped to have my blood sugar tested since I had never run that length of time before. The three volunteers were no familiar with that monitor, all the supplies were still in the packaging. Luckily it was the same machine I use so I grabbed it and quickly did my own test. I was shocked that it read 208, it was probably not calibrated or the Gatorade jellybeans I ate at mile 7 must have effected my levels. My fear of low blood sugar was eliminated but my thumb would not stop bleeding. I trained for months, road 3.5 hours, ran over 11 miles so a bleeding thumb was not going to be my down fall, no way, I stuck my thumb in my mouth and ran.

When I saw the black and white flags I could not believe it was over. I took a picture as I ran across the finish line and kept running until I got to the volunteers who removed the timing chip from my shoe. Holly and Kerry were so happy to see me but I was wondering why they were wearing medals. It seems that I had run past the table just after the finish line, duh. They walked me back, I was not leaving without my trinket. Angela soon joined us, yeah , we had all made it.

Back to the hotel, we showered then on to Red Robin. I tried to eat the burger I had dreamed of when I survived 4 days of no carbs during the last week of training but I couldn't. I informed Holly & Kerry that I was not going to be keeping them company on the ride home. I had a pillow, a blanket and the entire backseat to myself, "Good Night!"


I was so blessed to run with these women, Angela, Holly and Kerry. I am thankful that they sacrificed family time to be with me. A special thanks to Nicole and Autumn who sent me off with a great basket filled with special water, bananas and other running supplies. I could not have run it without the love and support from, family, inner circle, friends and my community. My sister Marvine kept Reagan for 2 days, without her I would not have had peace of mind.


Next stop 26.1 on 10-10-10, Yikes, am I crazy?

I Finally Ran From Naperville

I have not been writing as much as I should have since I set the goal to run the Chicago Marathon. I had no idea that making the transition from running inside to running outdoors would be so difficult. I am a rock star lapping seniors in a controlled environment but put me in the elements with the wind blowing in my face I am reduced to a snail's pace.


It's a straight shot from downtown Naperville to my subdivision. We had dinner there a few weeks ago and it struck me that I needed to conquer that journey. I could only do one way to start so I figured I could take the train one stop, walk to the main strip and just run home. My son Julian, new to running got the jump on me and did it last week so I had to crap or get off the pot, pardon my French.


I had to mentally prepare myself so I started my run like I normally do I put on BeBe & CeCe Winans' Count It All Joy, I turned the task over to God. My running has nothing to do with me, it is all God. I have not exercised since I graduated from high school so the fact I can run without breaking a hip is all divine. I called out for his strength because this trip required a co-pilot. People that don't believe in God are runners but for me the Holy Spirit speaks to me through my iPod. I have many examples but my favorite story is when I got up to run one Saturday morning last October, after about 4 hours of sleep and no breakfast, I was dragging around the track like a slug. I had just about a 1/2 mile to go to reach my goal but I had nothing left. I called out right there on the track and asked for help. My iPod was on shuffle and the next song was one of my favorite gospel songs, the live, long, drawn out version, that church was happy and no one wanted the song to end, it was just what I needed. When my iPod Plus told me I reached my goal I kept running until the song ended. I went from the person afraid to have people looking at me while I run to the person that will raise my hands as I praise God whenever the spirit moves me.

I felt good the first block, I owned that strip. I carried my iPod to calculate my run but I listened to talk radio as a distraction. Cisco Cotto of WLS 890AM is my new favorite host, a conservative Christian that is fired up. I got wrapped up in the conversation and the time flew by. By the second mile I was negotiating that if I made it to the Naperville/Lisle border and quit that was good enough but when I passed the Eagle (I know it is now a Butera but I am old and hate change) I felt pretty good. When I got to the border I forgot about my deal. I pledged to stop when I heard Rush's voice at 11:09 am or when I hit my front door.

I made it to Jewel, that hill almost did me in but I kept running. Once I entered my subdivision I was relieved. I made it to my door in about 55minutes. I always cool down by walking and listening to my two victory songs so I went around the block and the songs ended just as I made it up my drive-way.

Why I Ran For An Hour?

Some months ago a friend confided in me that she was battling a condition that would eventually make her life a physical challenge. I assumed that she discovered the problem early on so that it would be years before she would have to "go public". The other day she was forced to share what is going on because her body betrayed her, so she said out loud to the group what her issue is. She is a very supportive mom to her busy kids and a few years ago she started exercising and looks great. I loved hearing about how many laps she could do during a workout, I can't get my face wet.

I went to the gym and decided that I needed to run for 60 minutes straight. It had been months since I pushed myself that hard. How can I run for two and a half in less than 3 months if I can't last 60 minutes? I thought of my friend who has added to her workout routine in an attempt to delay the effects of her condition. I realized there was nothing physically preventing me from running more than my normal 30 minutes. I joke that I am not athletic and how I never worked up a sweat until I decided to start running last summer, my friend actually looks for workouts that make her sweat. It is not fair that I sit and make excuses while others in the world have the drive but not the ability. Four days ago I ran for an hour, I felt a little achy the next day but today I walked 15 minutes and ran 30 minutes, no problem.

Locker Room Etiquette

On Friday I met my goal of working out three times last week. I have decided that I am too unorganized to be athletic. Every other time I get inside the gym all ready to workout I find myself going back out to the car because I forgot something. Normally it is my iPod but Friday I left my running shoes so instead of heading back out in the cold I decided just walk on the treadmill.

Once in the locker room I tried very hard to stick to my "look only at the floor" rule. It has been about a year since I graduated from the family locker room. It gives me the willies if I happen to be going potty and I hear a dad blow drying his daughter's hair, that's weird. In the women's locker room you have to deal with women that are very comfortable with their bodies. It is just rude, plain and simple. I saw a woman wearing a cable-knit turtle neck sweater and no bottoms at all. She walked bare bottomed into the sauna. I don't know what the dress code is for the sauna and now I don't want to know.

Today, President's Day my husband and the three boys all went to the gym. It was so nice to have all of us in one place. Reagan, 5, went to childcare and Bill and the teen boys played basketball. I enjoyed over 30 minutes of treadmill time. I had just moved to the stair-master when the boys and Bill announced that the field house was closed due fumes from a busted light. It was too good to be true that I could workout an hour or more knowing that my family was under one roof burning calories.

It Is A Cold World & Eat Before Running

Monday was my third day of working out. I was shocked to learn that my 16 year old son Enden took the iPod I use, he misplaced his so took mine. Well, it is not mine, I am using it because I lost mine, but that's another story, my 5 year old is upset that his shows are erased. Left without an iPod I decided to head to the gym and workout on the treadmill, I can plug my headset in and be distracted by daytime TV. I set it to 10 incline and 3.6 speed. After awhile I bumped it up to 15 incline. My total workout was 27 minutes, I walked for 1.68 miles and climbed 124 feet. I prefer running on the track, who steals an iPod? Enden found his but mine is still M.I.A.

Today I was all set for a 30 minute run around the track. I was on fire keeping up with the athletic runners for about 20 minutes then I started to see floating squiggly things and decided to stop. I did not eat, I always think I can work out and earn a high calorie treat after, wrong. I will eat a meal to give me the proper fuel to sustain my run, live and learn.

I'm BAAAACK!

Monday was my first run in about 2 months. I lost my iPod in November and I cannot run without it, I am never alone with my own thoughts. Gratefully I am using my son Reagan's that was loaded with one full season of A Pup Named Scooby Doo. I miss running with my Nike+ that records my runs and tells me that I am doing a good job, I need the electronic pat on the back. If I don't find mine I will have to buy another one soon.

After Monday's run I felt like I was starting from scratch, but it felt so right to be back on the track lapping all the seniors at my YMCA. Last April I signed up for an exercise class taught by a man that looks like a Drill Sargent from central casting. There were about 12 women on the class, 8 I will assume were training for the Olympics, 1 was an older woman who was recovering from cancer, 1 skinny non-athletic woman and another pudgy (fat) woman like me. Unfortunately those 2 women lasted about 2 weeks so I felt pressure not to dropout, I was determined not to quit. There were sessions that I felt like Richard Gere in An Officer And A Gentleman, he would stand over me and say , "Come on Newbie!" and I would look up and ask if I were in the right class, he said I was, I didn't believe it. I was driven not to be the last one to complete the drills, so what if the only person I could beat the the 60 year old cancer survivor.

Halfway through the 8 weeks I felt like, "I can do this without dying". I would try to be friendly to the Olympians but they were cold, with the exception of the one woman I met through my friend Tara. I listened to them begging for tips to lose the "last 5 pounds", the trainer told 1 woman that there was nothing else to lose, she was not happy. Some were so giddy trying to impress the trainer with stories like junior high girls. Most of them wore wedding rings so I didn't get why they were all in his face giggling. My favorite woman told the trainer that she mentioned the him during her sermon, that shocked me because she was so not friendly. Don't get me wrong I was not looking for life long double-good-girlfriends but if I see you in the gym smile and say hello or if we are all clearing away equipment don't snatched a yoga mat out of my hand, "I got it" as if I was doing to much.

As luck would have it today I arrived at the YMCA at the same time as the Olympians, they were using one court and the track circles around. There they were all in the matching name-brand outfits, I spotted my replacement, they must have an affirmative action quota for fat people. I warmed up by walking around for about 5 minutes, the track was filled with mall walkers, special ed students and the normal crew of workout junkies. I was going to chicken out and run on the treadmill because after 2 months off I was not sure if I could run longer than 20 minutes. That group of robots were my inspiration, I set Rey's iPod to go off after 30 minutes and I ran.

I made sure to speed up as I passed their section of the gym, even if I crawled the other 45 seconds I was a star for 15 seconds. I enjoy the freedom of running around and around opposed to being confined to following that routine. I credit them for making me do bear-crawls, run laps and squats, I would have never known what I was capable of achieving without him yelling, "Come on Newbie!" and them looking at me in my Target workout gear.

I ran 30 minutes today and I feel good. May is just around the corner but it is not too late to start running and training, Come on Newbie, you can do it.

January 2, 2000

All everyone was thinking about was Y2K in the weeks prior to the end of the 1999. I was worried about delivering my 5th child. This was the third gestational diabetic pregnancy. On Friday, February 19, 1993 I went in for a routine exam two weeks prior to my due date. Whatever the ultrasound technician saw led to a call to my O.B. and the next thing I knew I was headed to Evanston Hospital. Enden did not arrive until Sunday morning weighing in at 9'11", it was a long weekend. My dad and William put on quite a comedy act in the delivery room but I didn't care I was happy that no c-section was needed after over 36 hours of Pitocin to induce labor, I thought he was never coming out.

In 1995 the doctors had me select a date to be induced. I picked Friday, October 27th. I checked in at 8am, started the medication at 9am and by 3:10pm Zachary (10'6") arrived after about three pushes. He was the biggest of my four but I experienced one of the smoothest deliveries ever. Later that evening the Chaplin peaked in my room and asked for the patient, I was wearing a night shirt sitting in a chair, she said I didn't look like a lady that had just delivered a ten pound baby, I went home 24 hours later. I thought having babies was so easy and uneventful.

In May of 1999 I remember the intake specialist saying that she would assign me to Dr. X because she had not had an OB patient in awhile. I thought nothing of it, I am a dream patient, I always keep my appointments, take my vitamins, never yell during delivery and always listen to the instructions no matter how uncomfortable I might be.

When I look back now I realize that Dr. X was in over her head. When she went on vacation the Three Stooges (that's how I labeled the interns that filled in) and the nurse seemed alarmed by the size of my baby, Dr. X never said a word. Also, Dr. X always had problems taking the fundal height but no one else did. My due date was January 8, 2000 but I knew that I would not be allowed to carry full term because gestational diabetic babies are big. I asked more than once about scheduling a date to induce, I honestly believed at the time she thought I wanted a New Years Day baby which is why she never took me seriously. Once I told her that I needed to schedule a sitter to watch my kids but nothing moved her to set a date.

On Wednesday, December 29, 1999 I had a routine check-up. I told William there was no way I was going to be allowed to come home, "Pack my bags I am going in". Everywhere I went people made comments about the size of my stomach, I kept assuring them there was only one baby. After my exam Dr. X sent us to the hospital for an ultrasound, just like with Enden this was going to get me an express ticket to Labor and Delivery. Dr. X gave me the choice to see a tech immediately or wait for the specialist to scan me later that afternoon. I was so ready that I opted for the tech. The ultrasound technician's name tag read Andrew, at the time we were torn between the names Thaddeus and Andrew, I thought it was a good sign.

Unlike the every other ultrasound a doctor never came in to followed up with a scan and an explanation. Andrew went behind a curtain, called Dr. X, he told her that the estimated weight was 8.5lbs, she instructed me to go home and she would see me next Wednesday for my regular appointment. From that point on I felt uneasy. New Years Eve came and went but I could not celebrate.

Sunday, January 2, 2000 I went to church with my family. After searching for years had I finally found a church I liked and I was baptized November 1, 1999. That afternoon I was tired so I went in my room to rest. I remember sitting at the foot of my bed feeling a great deal of kicking but after my nap I had trouble noticing any movement. I ate a sugary snack trying to get him to kick, I felt something but not the normal response. I called the hospital and was told to come in.

William took a different route to the hospital and still today I cannot drive that way when I go there. I can still see the pictures on the wall in the hall as they wheeled me into a room and hooked me up to a monitor. The nurse tried to find a heartbeat, nothing, but I wasn't worried because that happened at my last visit, she must be doing it wrong. They gave me an oxygen and called a doctor, I don't remember how much time passed before they told us there was no heartbeat. I recall feeling like everything was in slow motion and I was floating above the room.They sent me downstairs to confirm by ultra sound, I kept wanting them to hurry so that they could realize the error once we all heard a strong heartbeat.

The rest is fuzzy, I was put on Pitocin, they sent for Nurse Rosie with the folder filled with pamphlets but Bill didn't think I was ready. I did not meet Rosie that night but she and her support group would prove to be my rock in the coming months. I have not idea how I made it through that night waiting for the labor to start. William went home to tell the kids. My mom and dad must have been there but my next memory is the delivery.

William and my sister held me up for 45 minutes as I pushed. Dr. X was the only OB on call so she kept getting and taking phone calls. She took off her mask to talk and when she returned she motioned to put it back on but didn't, I thought she felt what was the point, my baby was not in any danger of catching anything. She had no idea how to deliver my baby. A doctor was sent in to oversee the procedure, Dr. X told him the baby's arm was lodged, when he asked which one she said she didn't know. My sister spoke up. He weighed 15 pounds and 2 ounces, a big guy needed a big name, Thaddeus Ace after both our grandfathers. I always regretted that I didn't deliver the night we arrived, the next day was Sierra's 13th birthday. All the paper work had January 3rd but he died in under my heart on the 2nd.

After her was delivered I was couldn't hold him, I kissed his forehead, Mommy and Bill got to hold him. I left the hospital in 24 hours, being on the maternity floor I was forced to explain to each staff member that congratulations were not in order because I was not taking my baby home. I wrote a letter to the hospital administrator suggesting that they place a sticker on the doors of mothers of angels.

The next day William and the kids were at work and school. I was trying to get back to normal so I was bathing Zach, he was 4 and had just learned how to say "I'm the youngest", the y was silent. Suddenly I knew I had to go back to the hospital to hold my baby. Later I would read that mothers have phantom pains in their arms because of the absence of a baby, my arms were aching. I called Bill to come home and asked Grace Walquist to watch Zachary, if you don't know Chris and Grace Walquist that's to bad because they are heaven sent.

Bill called my dad who also never held Thaddeus. Rosie set us up in the room I had just vacated. When she placed him in my arms and I pulled him next to my heart, I felt at peace. How could I have not held him that night? My dad held him, we took pictures and Bill cut a lock of his hair "I cut all my boys' hair".

I was so mad at God, I had just joined a church I was trying to the right thing and we were hit by a train. My small group at church was filled with wonderful caring women that let me cry, they held me, rocked me but eventually I walked away because within a year they all brought home babies. I was at the post office mailing x-rays of Thaddeus to my lawyer when I ran into the husband of my of of the women, he was bursting with joy because his daughter had just been born. I yelled UNCLE to God, how could I be happy for those women when I was in so much pain?

My first support group meting fell on Valentine's Day. I felt like I only had a day and a half of happiness in 2000 and now another a holiday was marred. We met some wonderful parents of angels and heard some happy stories of new babies and adoptions over the next few years.

I started running this past August and in October I had the pleasure of supporting my friends who ran the Chicago Marathon. I saw the energy and emotions of those runners at the 22 mile marker, I decided I had to run for Thaddeus. My blood sugars and cholesterol have improved in four short months, my goal is to eliminate all my medication. I had never worked up a sweat doing anything but I know God and my desire to honor Thaddeus has given me the strength. I love running.

Thaddeus Ace would be 10 years old today. I imagine what kind of kid he would be. He would have been big and strong. I am so different because God chose me to be his mother. My email is thaddeusmom because I could not sleep that first year so I searched the internet looking for answers. When I had to pick an email address I wanted people to always know, I am Thaddeus' mom. Ten years ago I thought I would never laugh or feel joy, I was wrong. I got over that whole being angry at God thing. I found a new church and through bible study I learned that you need to rejoice in good times and in bad.